Not ANOTHER Conspiracy Theory!

Here’s a good one!
Well, maybe…
So -
What if ‘G’ was rescued from a backbench rebellion by ‘P’
On the back of a deal
Whereby
G survives, as long as he
Agrees to a tame
Inquiry
That will exonerate T (& Mr. ‘C’)
Plus the other ‘G’
And consequently everyone else
From any
Culpability
Surrounding world events of
Two thousand and
Three
And subsequently
To clear the way
For ‘T’
To ascend to the Presidency
Of ‘E’.

Meanwhile ‘P’
Already untouchable
Moves into a role to
Oversee
The conduct of every UK
MP
As the unfortunate fall guy,
‘G’
Slips further into
Obscurity
While Mr ‘C’ returns
Ennobled to Lord ‘C’ of ‘B’
Forming a
Trinity
(Some would say
‘Unholy’)
Of ‘P’, ‘T’ and Lord ‘C’ of ‘B’
Supported by, especially
‘D’ and brother ‘E’
And others
Rewarded for their loyalty
Including ‘A’ and ‘S’
Back from brief
Obscurity
And joined by ‘B’ of Italy
With ‘S’ of France, while poor GB
(The person and the Country)
Descend into
Ignominy
Whilst ‘P’
Enhances his image as a 21st Century
Macchiavelli

What do you think? Could it be?
Or will it just be mocked
Jeered at and dismissed
As yet another
Daft theory
Of
Conspiracy?
Probably!

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Move On! (Iraq inquiry, part two)

Today, the UK Parliament voted against an opposition bid to have the forthcoming Iraq Inquiry held largely in public. When it is finally completed, we’ll be told something like this…

Well, nothing’s ever easy, in this modern world
Whether you’re going to war or just chatting up a girl
You’re gonna need a good line, for when things go wrong
Just say, “Put it behind you, and move on”

“Move on, put it behind you
Move on, do I have to remind you?
Move on, that we know how to find you, so
So put it behind you and – move on!”

They built a new bomb – it was so damn smart
It could take out the cherry on top of a cherry tart
But it missed the target, when it hit the ground
And flattened a mosque in an old Middle Eastern town

They simply said,
“Move on, put it behind you
Move on, do I have to remind you?
Move on, that we know how to find you, so
So put it behind you and – move on!”

Now your pants are on fire, and the Party’s dejected
Saying, “What’ll it take to get us re-elected?”
Only one line, repeated on and on
And that’s “Put it behind you and – move on!”

“Just move on, put it behind you
Move on, do I have to remind you?
Move on, that we know how to find you, so
So put it behind you and – move on!”

These are good little rackets, for as long as they last
But now it’s time to draw a line underneath the past
Because you could get arrested, if you sing this song
So just put it behind you and – move on!

“Move on, put it behind you
Move on, do I have to remind you?
Move on, that we know how to find you, so
So put it behind you and – move on!”

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Stand aside, I’ve got an MBA!

Stand aside, I’ve got an MBA
I’m the obvious one for the job, at the end of the day
You say you run this place by the seat of your pants
But I can bring it up to speed for a small advance
So stand aside – I’ve got an MBA

Clear the corridors quick, I’m an MBA
Everybody please do exactly what I say
I’m a business campus academic throughput
With designer frames and a two-inch crew-cut
Clear the corridors quick, I’m an MBA

A so-called entrepreneur points a finger and mocks
Says a few more weeks with me and you’ll be on the rocks
He’s an agitator, probably a drinker
I’m a motivator and a Blue-Sky Thinker
You can let him go, I’ve got an MBA

You know, I don’t understand it, I’ve got an MBA
My Five-year Development Plan should have shown the way
You must have made some error in the implementation
I’ll give it some thought on my way to the station
‘Cause it’s time to move on, I’ve got an MBA

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The Committee Man

I’m marking time and I’m getting paid
My report’s online and I jumped a grade
Now get here early, so we can discuss
How to complicate the bleeding obvious

There’s government money but let’s get wise
We can lose it on a ‘consultation exercise’
Yeah, we know the real problems – but don’t say zip
And I’ll take you on my next fact-finding trip

History’s there to be re-written
And the rest of this committee are as soft as kittens
I type it up at home by the reading lamp
Next day they bless it – with a rubber stamp.

I’m way over budget, but that’s all right
The Finance Committee meets tomorrow night
We’ll take fifty thousand from the neighbourhood chest
And award it to ourselves – Ha! ’cause we know best!

And that local group, who meet in the Rectory?
Soon they’ll find themselves on a new trajectory
I’ve slashed their funds, and the grant-aid too
They’ll be out of this door – on the end of my shoe!

I told the printer, “There’s a bottle of wine…”
If he nudges my plan to the front of the line
And the glossy cover (I’m thinking ‘sky blue’)
Says ‘Moving Forward: Put The Past Behind You’

You should aim high, learn some airs and graces
Get well in with folks in high places
Your workplace friends are just faces to trample
Look at the top – if you need an example…

Because history’s there to be re-written
And the rest of this committee are as soft as kittens
I type it up at home by the reading lamp
Next day they bless it – with a rubber stamp.

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The Cardigan Assassin

 

I’m in Human Resources – I’m a ‘people person’

I wear a permanent smile, my demeanour never worsens

You may meet me when your manager’s cross

I’m a sympathetic ear when you’ve upset the boss

You can say how you feel, but there may be a cost

I’m a Cardigan Assassin

 

I’m in Human Resources – I’m on a decent salary

I keep notes on the staff in a file I call ‘The Rogues Gallery’

I can smile at your jokes and understand your pain

Tell me how much it hurts and you’ll be right as rain

But work’ll never feel quite the same again

I’m a Cardigan Assassin

 

I’m in Human Resources – with the Organisation

At Appraisal time, you can share your job frustration

Whatever we discuss, I’ll show empathy

With an understanding smile and some nice hot tea

Just relax and say what’s on your mind to me

I’m a Cardigan Assassin

 

I’m in Human Resources – would you like a tissue?

I can see you’re upset, but we must address the issue

You say your Supervisor’s got a down on you

But she can’t run her office just to please the few

At the end of the day she’s got a job to do

I’m a Cardigan Assassin

  

I’m in Human Resources – in the Workplace Environment

If you’re really not happy, there’s always early retirement

You don’t need this stress with what you’ve been through

Somewhere on my desk I’ve got a form for you

Now who do you want at your leaving do?

I’m a Cardigan Assassin.

 

(with thanks to ‘C’ for the analogy/title)

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The Right Thing To Do (Boogie)

 4/4 (To a boogie beat, with optional walking bass and pianoforte, guitar, banjo or ukelele accompaniment)

We did it because it was The Right Thing To Do
We care about you and all The People too
We make the tough decisions every single day
We don’t do God (but you might want to pray)
We did it because it was The Right Thing To Do

We did it because it was The Right Thing To Do
A light touch economy benefits me and you
You might hear rumours of a failing bank
But only if you’re swimming in the wrong think tank
We did it because it was The Right Thing To Do

Well, me and my predecessor
We didn’t see eye to eye
But he would say, “I say to you
I’m a pretty straight kind of guy”

We did it because it was The Right Thing To Do
We know where you live and all there is to know about you
If you make an objection, then you must be bent
You don’t need to worry if you’re innocent
We did it because it was The Right Thing To Do

We’re a nation at war again and yes,
For us it was a difficult choice
But look very deeply in my eyes
Listen carefully to my voice…

We did it because it was The Right Thing To Do
If your kit isn’t ready you can march in your walking shoes
It’s worth it to bring another tyrant down
Though we sold him his weapons, last time around
We did it because it was The Right Thing To Do.

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A New Beginning (Parliament elects a new Speaker)

 

We need A New Beginning, it can’t be like before

We need a total clear-out, the old guard shown the door

 A re-vitalisation, a renewal, a revamp

We need a new direction – but who will hold the lamp?

 

Who will shine the way as we stumble through the dark?

Down dirty dark blind alleys, where feral stray dogs bark

Who will find the highway that leads to our survival?

Well – why not follow MY way to political revival?

 

I may be from a think tank, a postgraduate diversion

And yes, I ran a bank, doing currency conversion

OK, I am a lawyer, but I haven’t practised lately

And I served with Margaret Thatcher, but that shouldn’t matter greatly

 

We’ve bundled out the old chap, ‘Gorbals Whatsisname’?

Not really our sort, but decent all the same

We clapped as he ‘retired’, some crocs were moved to tears

The first Speaker we’ve shown the door in what? 300 years?

 

The thing is, I’m available, I’m ready and I’m free

You need a brave new Speaker, and I’m proposing ‘Me’

The people want democracy and some say revolution

We ought to throw them something – maybe Cornish Devolution?

 

Then let’s draw a line under the whole expenses saga

Especially my claim, for a cottage with an Aga 

We need A New Beginning – so surely you can see

Your choice for the new Speaker should be – MUST be – ME!

 

Rt. Hon. P. Bear, M.P., 2009.

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MILKO! (UK Dairy farms under threat)

 

Today we heard a Ministry man
Say he was doing all he can
To stop some farmers going broke
As they slump beneath the yoke
Of regulations from the U of E
(That’s E and U to U and me)

It seems our farms are underpaid
Partly because the fresh milkmaid
Is now a robot, shiny steel
With zero rosy-cheeked appeal
And thanks to some young merchant banker
Cheap milk arrives by foreign tanker

Now, just before the BNP
Jump in too triumphantly
We don’t need lectures from a man
Who hangs out with the Ku Klux Klan!
But surely someone with some power
Could be the hero of the hour?

Does it take a genius
To sort this out with little fuss?
‘The Marketplace’ should not dictate
Our farming infrastructure’s fate
For fresh milk is a basic need
A fair trade price should be agreed

We shoppers too can play our part
Grazing at the super-mart
Instead of pop and crisps and lollies
Put local produce in the trolley
No British hill farm’s as remote
As bringing in our food by boat

So put expenses claims aside
Thus far you’ve had an easy ride
As farmers work with cows and sheep
It’s high time MPs earned their keep
Get your brains in gear thus
Subject: ‘The Bleeding Obvious’

E. Cow, 2009

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“Lessons Will Be Learned” (Iraq War Inquiry)

 

“Lessons will be learned
Of this you can be certain
We won’t get caught again
This time we’ve closed the curtains
The commission will be tasked
To examine every line
Kicked into long grass
To wither on the vine”

“We’ve called for an Inquiry
To go through every clause
They’ll need substantial time
At work behind closed doors
And then we’ll call the press
To state the true position
That we were not to blame
Nor were the Opposition”

“People feel let down
And we can share their pain
That’s why we must ensure
It can’t occur again
So lessons will be learned
The public can be certain
So now, go back to sleep -
That’s why we’ve drawn the curtains.”

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Welcome to The Curse of Verse!

 

Denizens in the U of K

Are bombarded day by day

With lazy language, served up to

Clog our brains with corporate glue

The easier to expedite

Obedience without insight

Their words’ appeal to so-called reason

Make objections feel like treason

But maybe there’s an antidote?

(There’d better be, or that’s all she wrote)

Stripped down, churlish, basic, terse -

Welcome to: The Curse of Verse!

Thanks for reading! Every now & then, the verses will be accompanied by a song; a ‘play’ arrow will appear under the title.

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